This I Believe - Jen's Essay

Here's Jen's This I Believe Essay:

This I Believe Essay
Jen Johnson
2009

I believe in breastfeeding.

I believe in breastfeeding, and not only for the reasons you might expect. It’s pretty easy to get on board with breastfeeding simply by looking at the health benefits of breast milk to a baby. Doctors argue that breast milk is the “perfect food.” Babies are even protected from disease by the antibodies passed through the breast milk. Some research has shown that babies who are breastfed actually have higher IQs than those who aren’t. Conclusion: I’d be an idiot not to believe in breastfeeding.

For me, though, my belief in breastfeeding is a lot more complicated than the information you could gleen from a La Leche League webpage. For starters, breastfeeding, for me, was HARD.

The most representative breastfeeding horror story occurred very early in our breastfeeding journey. We were hunkered down in the NICU with our adorable newborn, Rigley, concerned that pneumonia was marginalizing her ability to take in enough food. As a result, the doctors wanted us to weigh Rigley before and after every feeding, so that we could determine exactly how much milk she was taking in. Talk about pressure! What resulted is what I can only describe as a breastfeeding obsession. Here’s the scene:

Chris: Is she sucking?
Jen: Yep, she’s sucking.
Chris: Awesome! What about now?
Jen: No, not anymore.
Chris: (sigh). I need you to tell me when she’s sucking and when she’s not sucking.
Jen: Ok
Jen: Sucking…sucking…sucking! ….Not sucking.
Chris: (huge sigh).
Jen: sucking…sucking..sucking!…Not sucking.
Chris: (huge sigh).

When I said “sucking,” clouds parted, angels sang, and bugles played from the heavens. When I said “not sucking,” Armageddon was upon us.

I would say that we spent a good 72 hours repeating this routine, with a couple of brief interruptions to grab some stale biscuits and gravy at the hospital cafeteria, watch a few Michael Jackson memorial shows, and, oh yeah, pump my boobs so that my milk supply wouldn’t be reduced when Rigley got her strength up.

When I look back on this situation, or tell this story to friends, all I can do is laugh. I laugh about our dialogue. I laugh about how we managed to cope through something really hard. I laugh about how quickly two really well adjusted humans can become overcome by such tunnel vision.

This adversity, and the ability to maintain a sense of humor with my wonderful partner, is really the crux of my belief in breastfeeding. It hints at a greater, more important belief, which is my belief in all of the qualities required for good motherhood, qualities like perseverance, good communication, and of course, humor.

There are very few parenting decisions as clear cut as breastfeeding, and sometimes I wish I could approach motherhood in general with the same confidence as I do my method for feeding Rigley. Sometimes I don’t always believe that I’m a good mom, even though I really want to. It’s in those moments that I try to remind myself about my belief in breastfeeding:

I make good health choices for my baby, therefore, I’m a good mom.

I can survive things that are really hard, therefore, I’m a good mom.

I laugh at myself. A lot. Therefore, I’m a good mom.

In summary, I breastfeed, therefore, I’m a good mom.

And that’s about the most powerful belief I think I can have.

"This I Believe" Essay - Chris

This year Jen and I and a few members from our community wrote "This I Believe" essays. It's a segment on NPR for the people who have no idea what I'm talking about. Anyway, since both our essays have to do with parenting, I thought I would post them. Today you get mine, later, Jen's.

This I Believe
Chris 2009

I believe in the power of a baby’s smile.

Cheesy, I know, but I didn’t know about this power 6 months ago.

Deciding to become a parent is a leap of faith. Anyone who thinks that they will be fine navigating these uncharted waters; that the universe will provide all of the answers and skills when the time comes is an arrogant idiot. Believe me. It takes one to know one.

Living life as a first time parent is unexpectedly infuriating. Not because the little one is puking, or crying, or pooping at all the wrong times. In fact it has nothing to do with my daughter and everything to do with me.

Its disappointment and fear in the middle of the night when she’s crying uncontrollably and I simply can’t wake up mommy one more time because I don’t have all the answers. She has few needs now and I can’t cut it. What happens when her needs become more complex? It’s the sense of powerlessness that I can’t control this situation. No matter how hard I try, how smart or creative I am, I cannot control what is happening.

Worse, in these sleepless moments late at night, pacing the house, feeling betrayed by everyone who ever told you that you could do this (that you’d even be GOOD at it), you realize that old demons you thought were put to rest for good now rise up, look you straight in the eye and say, “You are not done with me yet.” Now I can really feel the defeat. Not only are you not good enough in this moment, but all this time I thought I was different, better, I was wrong.

And then, well past cracking, when I’m already broken, I get a smile.

So far I have seen three different kinds of smiles. The first is the “HEY! I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN LIKE FOREVER!” smile. The second is the “I’m so shy I have to hide my face” smile. And the last is the “You don’t have to worry anymore, I like you” smile. That’s my favorite smile. “I like you.”

In that smile, I get to see that I don’t have to have everything taken care of by myself. She has everything that I don’t have: the hope, faith, and optimism. And I have everything that she doesn't have: the bottle, clean diapers, and money for a tiny pair of shin guards. We complement each other. l don’t have to have all the answers and skills. The universe does provide you with what you need.

I believe that the challenge and the support come in the same package.

I believe that when I am searching for answers and doubting myself, all I really need is an “I like you smile.”